EXCERPTS – Swipe Right (1)

Three new excerpts from my latest WIP…

AAA satans childWoke up with Satan’s child staring at me from the foot of my bed, mesmerised with the movement of my toes under the quilt. I’m getting concerned that she has decided that attacking me is her new pastime. I have to seriously consider just what to do with her. I never wanted her in the first place, yet I’m the mug that gets lumbered with her! Maybe I should call her and talk about it… Maybe not. If her cat’s physical wounds are any indication of the healing process…

12552321_1212028582159851_405573126_nI am slowly learning ‘cat’: Repeated bites to the achilles tendon means ‘feed me’, multiple gauges of the forearms means ‘don’t touch me you bastard’ and, it would seem that crapping on my coat (apparently my fault for chucking it on the sofa last night), means ‘what kind of servant do you think you are, you forgot to clean out my tray again’. However, I think that the rest of Betty’s anti-social behaviour is just out of spite.

untitled extract 1So, she’s finally left; three weeks after she threatened to go. I thought it would all blow over like it normally does when she goes off on one, but I was wrong. I spent an evening dodging various missiles, nothing belonging to her I noticed, and listening to the multitude of medical, mental and sexual problems I have apparently possessed since  the day she first met me. I’m not sure whether to feel more concerned for my health, my brain or my miniscule and perpetually flaccid penis. But anyway, she left – loudly!


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